Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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