I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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