if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
cat food counts as protein by the way
did i walk over a car last night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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