a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
