woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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