I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
