god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
