Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
