Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
