why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
