we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
