I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
