I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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