Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
