Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
