seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
