It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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