i think my mom watched the whole time
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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