i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
as a side note pls kill me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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