a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
