This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
