when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
