my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
