I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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