I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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