I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
