Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
