I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
