He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
