Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
