Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize