im six kinds of drunk right now
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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