My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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