So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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