Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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