Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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