your parents love me but you hate me
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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