Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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