I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I understand Curling. That high.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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