I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize