Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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