They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
