My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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