I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
