Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
