Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
