Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
