did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize