So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
