respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
