our cab driver is having phone sex.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
