Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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