Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
