I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
