true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
