Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
