I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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