I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
