you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize