she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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